The Power of Sacred Silence: How to Stop Complaining and Bragging to Build Trust and Grace｜Shinbay Notes

While studying Buddhism, one particular teaching has deeply resonated with me and has become something I try to keep in mind every day.
It is the teaching of “Sacred Silence.” In this post, I would like to introduce the concept of sacred silence from the perspectives of both Buddhism and psychology.

The Words We Sow Without Realizing

We communicate and build relationships through our words every day.
But are we aware that sometimes, those very words may hurt others or damage our own reputation without us realizing it?

In Buddhism, there is a concept called “Ken-zatsu Goron (喧雑語論),” which means “refrain from meaningless chatter.”
The phrase that particularly struck me is:

“If we gather for a purpose, we should do only what is necessary for that purpose.
Anything else should be filled with sacred silence.”

Whether it’s a business meeting or a casual gathering with friends, each has its purpose.
But how often do we stray into gossip, complaints, or unnecessary negativity that may affect how others perceive us?

Complaints and Arrogance — The Toxins That Cloud the Mind

Complaints and boasting, so common in daily conversations, can actually poison our relationships and minds.
In Buddhism, greed (貪欲), anger (瞋恚), and ignorance/complaints (愚痴) are called the Three Poisons (三毒)—the roots of suffering and spiritual impurity.

Arrogance, the habit of bragging or feeling superior to others, is also considered a toxic mindset.
If we continue to present ourselves with arrogance, will people truly want to gather around us?
Everyone naturally wants to be near those who are humble and calm.

Buddhism teaches us “Cause and Effect” (因果応報):

“Good seeds bring beautiful flowers and fruitful harvests.
Bad seeds will eventually bring trouble back to yourself.”

What kind of seeds are we sowing through our words and attitudes each day?

Complaints and Arrogance Through the Lens of Psychology

From a psychological perspective, what exactly triggers complaints and arrogance?
Let’s explore these behaviors further.

Complaining — Emotional Venting and Its Traps

In psychology, complaining is often seen as a form of “emotional venting.”
When we cannot process our emotions internally, we may seek relief by releasing them externally through words.

When Are We More Likely to Complain?

When we lack emotional regulation skills
When we struggle with problem-solving abilities
When we have cognitive distortions (e.g., “Everything must go perfectly”)

Although venting may offer temporary relief (known as the “catharsis effect”), it doesn’t lead to real solutions.
In fact, habitual complaining can reinforce the behavior, making it even harder to break the cycle.

Arrogance and Self-Defense Mechanisms

Arrogance or excessive pride can be explained through self-enhancement mechanisms in psychology.

Why Do People Feel the Need to Brag?

When self-esteem is unstable (those with low confidence tend to brag more)
When the need for external validation is strong
When we are trapped in constant social comparison

In Adlerian psychology, arrogance is often described as a mask to hide feelings of inferiority.
People who brag frequently may actually be battling deep insecurity.

Is There a Gender Difference?

It is sometimes said that women complain more and men tend to boast—but is this true?

Gender Differences in Complaining

Women → More likely to share emotions and seek empathy, which may sound like complaining
Men → Prefer problem-solving communication, so they may suppress or internalize complaints

Gender Differences in Arrogance

Men → More likely to directly boast about achievements
Women → May use indirect self-promotion (e.g., “My child did this…” or “I’ve been so busy…”)

However, modern research suggests that individual differences matter more than gender.
Factors such as upbringing, self-esteem, and emotional needs play larger roles.

How to Reduce Complaining and Arrogance

If you find yourself complaining or bragging, here are some practical ways to shift your mindset:

✅ 1. Pause and Ask: “Is This Necessary?”

→ Before speaking, take a moment to ask yourself:

“Is this helpful to the listener?”
“Is this something I really need to say?”

✅ 2. Keep a Journal to Reflect on Your Emotions

→ Write down your thoughts privately before expressing them aloud.
This allows you to process and understand your emotions before they turn into unproductive words.
Recently, journaling has gained popularity as a helpful habit. I personally write at night as a way to reflect and wrap up my day.
This quiet time has a calming effect and helps me reset my mindset for the next day.

✅ 3. Transform Bragging into Gratitude

→ Instead of saying, “I did this!” try, “Thanks to the support of others, I was able to experience this.”

✅ 4. Ask for Dialogue, Not Sympathy

→ Replace venting with a question like, “This is how I feel—what do you think?”
It invites meaningful conversation instead of one-sided complaining.

✅ 5. Value Your Process, Not Just the Outcome

→ Focus on effort and personal growth instead of comparing results with others.
Recognizing your own process helps keep both arrogance and self-doubt in check.

Complaining and arrogance often arise from emotional reactions. But instead of reacting instinctively, we can pause and let our inner wisdom guide us toward thoughtful and kind communication.

Sacred Silence in Parenting

How we speak as parents greatly impacts our children.
Children naturally absorb not only our actions but also our words and attitudes.

If parents habitually complain or boast, children may learn that this is the normal way to communicate and navigate life.

Negative Effects of Complaining on Children

Develop the habit of blaming others instead of taking responsibility

Negative Effects of Arrogance on Children

Constant comparison with others, leading to low self-esteem
Developing a mindset that measures worth by superiority over others

If we wish for our children to grow strong and confident, we must first model the behavior we want them to learn.